Last week we held a contest on the GHOULISH socials. The prompt was simple: tell us the most clever or unhinged way you would attempt to survive the zombie apocalypse. The winner won a free copy of The Only Safe Place Left is the Dark.
Behold, the winner:
If you cannot read the image, the winning entry is: “i don’t care whether i survive but i will be fucking the zombies”
A free copy of Warren Wagner’s novella has now been mailed to the zombiefucker. But also, we thought it’d be fun to compile every entry we received across all of our socials and post them here.
We would also love to hear how you would survive the zombie apocalypse in the comments below.
TWITTER / X ENTRIES
Befriend the zombies, keep them supplied with brains, & take over the world? Maybe. – aBookstoreGrave
open up a zombie meat curing and charcuterie service – hottestsingles
It’s easy, I just go to the closest mechanic and let the older butch there keep me as a pet – she provides protection, I provide food and entertainment, most of the time we’re too in love to even notice the zombies. – biopunker
Day job gives me access to construction tools & equipment, so I’m filling a delivery truck with electric saws, weed cutters, pneumatic tools, etc., then building a fortress inside the most abandoned-looking warehouse I can find! – mg_doherty
Bank robbery, and I mean that quite literally… I would steal a bank. – LordFroggy
zombies wouldn’t even want me though. as a Floridian, i taste like orange juice and Publix toothpaste. – StorySorcerer
Block all the doors and windows with my TBR pile. Also, pretty sure I could cobble together a hatch in my ceiling for roof access and fish the canal from up there – WaywardCelestia
I’d try to assimilate to their culture, maybe get one to fall in love with me and the power of our love saves the universe – LebosSister
I would pack up my stuff and friends, grab one of those garbage scows, and live like the trash pirates we were born to be. – jivechameleon
gaslight the zombies, duh – revelationmyth
I would cook and eat as many zombie brains as I could. This would create epigenetic changes to my somatic DNA, making me completely uninteresting to zombies. In time I cc would become half-zombie and thus, the top of the food chain. – pammerdrums
I Climbing to the top of the tallest building dressed as Billy Idol, singing “dancing with myself” on loop. Any zombie that reaches me will be compelled into dancing just like in the music video. I survive the apocalypse by partying with the undead. – HandWrath
Bury yourself alive. Or microdose zombie blood every day til you get immune to the zombie contagion and then you’re golden – lukehannonpoet
Little known fact that if you eat undead brains and win a dark and dangerous bet with the ghost of Aleister Crowley that involves racing zombie hamsters, you become “The Zombie Whisperer” and can control the undead hoard in whatever ways your twisted little heart desires – AmabilisOHara
I would sell bootleg whale blubber to you MFers to keep your lamps burning but it’s jokes on you when it won’t light and it’s dark outside and they’re coming for your ass – caleb_bethea_
Time to become a semi-benevolent overlord of my local Sam’s Club, since we don’t have a Costco. – sshabein
Okay but what if you could hide *in* the zombies. Like, I’m a zombie myself if I don’t have an energy drink in the morning and I know I’m not gonna have a steady supply of caffeine once everything goes down Who’s to say they won’t think I’m one of them?? – andromeda_twts
Maybe not technically “surviving” but purposely become a zombie. Go to as many bookstores as possible and read everything! Best “brains” there is. Be zombie queen – AtomicSynthesis
Tbh I’d probably just give up immediately – stelsadick
Since zombies eat brains, I’d simply make sure to read El*n M*usk’s tweets everyday. Print some out in case WiFi goes down. Rest of the time I’d simply vibe in my garden with a G&T. – Siobhan_M_HQ
I think the only answer is studying Home Alone and trapping my house the way Kevin would have. No zombie is getting past the tiny toy cars AND the icy stairs AND the paint buckets to the head – pseudandry12
dig big hole – imnotkassie
Out of all my friends I would convince the dumbest to wear a hot dogs all over their body with a little blood of my enemies and send her into the oncoming zombies as I yell running the opposite direction, “I’ll send a letter to your momma.” (If she survived) But that’s just a thought. – SuperStacey318
I would channel my inner DMV employee and my lethargic and non pressed attitude which lead them to think I’m also a zombie – Erocklee
I would simply die tbh – highharleyquinn
get onto a cruise and wait it out with my friends. making port would be scary to restock on supplies but i feel like the ocean is pretty safe from zombies – rabbitfeetpoem
Make moat around house. Fill moat with skin beetle larvae. When the zombies come through the moat, they get eaten in less than 30 hours. Maybe I have zombie beetles later but I think the problem is solved for at least a skin beetle life cycle – cheysectoplasm
Encourage the zombies to unionize. Collective bargaining demands for a regimented, organized method of acquiring brains. I get to live, and they get to stay well fed! – cc_rayne
I’d befriend a scientist, and together we’d trot across North America in an armored Ford Ranger, spraying the air with vapor contaminated with a lab-grown, brain-eating amoeba, guaranteeing that every zombie (and person, for that matter) coming into contact with it dies. – philipisfat
I wonder if wearing a fresh animal carcass (bear?) would throw off your scent enough to fool zombies into not eating you? OR Drink an absolute ton of booze and give yourself that pickled scent, zombies probably wouldn’t go for that. – Janky_Legs
I already live up a very steep hill so I’ll just pour grease down it. Zombies are already not very coordinated or smart, so they’d just fall down and give up. – tristanoscars
I would create a dating app called ZomBae to ensnare all the zombies in the horrors of modern dating while I live undetected outside of their undead drama. – BrianMcWriter
Building a piranha moat around the exterior of my house with people movers around the outside going towards the moat. – SickJacketMan
just eat the zombies innit – ananalyses
You never said stay alive…you only said survive…so I’ll find the nearest zombie and “turn” myself, then avoid the people with guns and only attack gamers until we take over the world. – ScumHellebore
I don’t have any survival strategies but those jerks upstairs with the power drill are going first. – mere_rain
Eat or be eaten. Eat their brains before they eat yours. Also, I believe eating brains probably makes you smarter. Therefore the more you eat the smarter you get. Its a no-brainer. – GeoffParrell
I’d become the thing zombies fear, a living scarecrow. (Cuz im alive but I have no brain….) – queenidnarb
Whatever gods are at the center of the apocalypse, I will go to THEIR gods and strike a bargain. “Ruin my world? FUCK YOU, I’M OFFICIALLY BECOMING THE LORD OF YOUR MISERY! CALL ME FUCKING DADDY!” – GLKnightWrites
I would have an outer ring of slip and slides. Then a ring of linoleum with Lego spilled over it. If that fails an inner circle of treadmills. – ericp92
I saw this on the Hardy Boys once. I’d lead a trail of brains into one cave, and then hide out in another, and when the zombies go into that cave, then I could make a run for it. – cynthiasaysboo
To survive the zombie apocalypse I would hide out at Busch Gardens, befriend the big cats and train them to be my loving viscous big baby kitty protectors – wendy_dalrymple
I would simply cover myself in olive brine because no one actually likes olives. You are lying about them for some reason. And zombies won’t have the capacity to lie about it so they will avoid me. – amityvandal
I’ll pretend I’m one of them and teach them how to thriller – Ryeodictator
Surviving the zombies would take a cunning kind of tactic, but I would probably use a lot of practical jokes such as the tape in the door trick and using filled Whoopi cushions to distract and lure them into more deadly traps! – KiddoCut
Tie up a would-be bushwhacker to the hood of a hot rod car, insert a generous amount of C-4 up the anal cavity, drive like a maniac through the streets while cracking a whip on the ass of the prep and when there’s a zombie horde, slow down enough to jump out & detonate the ride. – WeirdArchives
Convince the redneck conspiracy theory crowd I’m secretly an alien sent to ascend them all to the next plane of existence but if I get bit by zombies, then the zombies become super zombies and the gateway to the next plane is forever closed. – RWytcher
Ima hijack one of Elon Musk’s space rockets (this one won’t explode, serious this time), fly it to the space station, murder all the astronauts and cosmonauts, and live off their flesh until shit settles down. – frombeyondpress
Taking out as many other people as possible right now so there’ll be fewer zombies to contend with – thebrianasman
I’d go to my grocer and buy all the bananas—like a fucking ton of them. Then go home and dig a hole in the yard. Everyone knows zombies can’t stand bananas, west of the Mississippi, at least, so I’d make a nice mash, cover myself in it and wait the whole thing out in my hole. – JoeTurquoise
sleep in and enjoy the day off from work! – jerry5577
I’d hide in the basement of the Alamo. If the tourist can’t find it the zombies can’t find it either. – Drmessick
Steal a blimp. May it gay. – JustRunTheGame1
I attract as many mosquitoes as possible to the area around my house and hope they annoy the zombies away or drain them of so much blood that their muscles can’t function – prof_spoopy
To defeat the zombie first you must understand the zombie *starts nibbling on coworkers* – BP_Gregory
Obviously just cover myself in zombie guts so I smell like them, and just join the hoard. I mean brains can’t be that bad, right? – SummerSmith80
Easy. Survive by biting all the zombies before they can bite you first – spooky__guy
They would all instantly fall in love with me and I would be the zombie prince – werewolfprez
Eat human brains in an attempt to slowly convert myself to a smarter, more self-aware zombie (and then become overlord of the other zombies) – queerhonking
Step 1: firetruck Step 2: Go crazy – bootlegdarklord
Me and a few friends pilot mechs and form votron – ronster_jpg
Become a giraffe, bc apparently those things lived thru the cordyceps virus no problem. – justinallec807
I can’t prove it, but I think if we unleashed a horde of chickens they could take out the zombies for us – tesstempest_
FACEBOOK ENTRIES
I have seen a certain key scene of Halloween (1978) many many times. As someone who has knitted since 2005, it keeps getting funnier every time I see it. Jamie Lee Curtis used a larger gauge needle, most likely for dramatic effect. As long as the needle in question is long enough to nail a zombie in the eye socket, I can stab and go if one got close. Knitting is an art form in many ways, plus light enough to carry while on the run. – Lisa M.
Cover myself in fake blood and acquire a taste for human flesh. Maybe start am organ harvesting service for the zombies to make some cash. – Scott L.
So I’m a dog trainer. I would train one team of dogs to detect humans with the virus and navigate us away from those areas. Other team is trained in personal protection bite and hold so I can skidaddle away and call them back with a whistle. I’d also make a habit of hobbling as many zombies as I can with cow hobbles. Lightweight to carry and strong enough to hold up to cow legs. – Rachel M.
Convince the zombies (roll for deception) that I’m not 100% human but 25% byproduct of other meats and filled with preservatives. I’m basically the Taco Bell of human meat and not farm fresh. – Esteban F.
Ok so if they were zombies that follow me by smell, I would hunt down the slowest if zombies, chop them in half and make them into my special little garden gnomes (hats and all!) to deter the others. If they are solely based on sound, I would hunt (asshole) humans, and use them as my little decoys, telling them to sing jingles as loud as they can as i send them into malls to lure out the hoards. If they are runners…I would need to get fit really fucking fast, or become really good at setting about knee lenght traps to slice their clankels off so I end up having less fast versions of them to smack down. Another garden gnome situation. – Milo H.
Hmm I’d learn science stuff and develop a sonic weapon that only affects zombies and causes them to dance wildly so I could bash their faces in, and then I’d use my (soon to have) extreme parkour skills, stealthiness, and disguises to avoid and hide from the bad people – David S.
INSTAGRAM ENTRIES
honestly too tired from life already lived that i would choose to be a sacrifice for my loved ones so once dead i would survive as ghost haunting the crew – bigbadreads
I’d track down the body of water which statistically contains the most cremains & swim around until my flesh has absorbed enough corpse slurry that I can walk amongst the zombies undetected. – thejessmchugh
One time in 5th grade, I hid near the wall during a dodgeball game and ended up being the only one left on my team and I had to play against a whole class by myself. I kinda feel like that experience was foreboding in regards to what would probably happen to me during a zombie apocalypse. – itssinceslicedbread
Well, it’s my birthday today and I got a throwing knife set as a gift🔪 !!! So it has to that, it’s me, my little survival backpack with supplies, throwing knives tied around my ankles, bandana for style (never too acopalypsey to forget about style). Throwing them left and right, always piercing the brains because what’s the point if not. And once I made it to the hardware store I’ll grab myself a flamethrower because that seems so much more useful – zombie_likes_cake
I’ve known this for five years. Ima wear my big goth combat boots, take a shot gun, and whole myself up in a Chipotle because I can deal with zombies but I can’t deal with no chipotle. – booksofgloom
Lock myself in a Ikea restroom because no one ever goes in there and that place is HUGE. Always trust a ikea chair to be a good weapon. – paperwitchs
Of course I would carve my way into an actual zombie and wear it as a flesh suit. We would each have some control. Guess which one is leaving this comment – reclusereads
Sequester myself in the animal research labs at a local college. The walls are concrete, no one knows it’s there, the door is thick soundproof steel, there’s running water (while it lasts), and for awhile a least, you could eat the animals (sorry lil guys). – tea_with_jam
I think I’d pull a bit of a Katniss, grab everything I need (tarp, rope, some tools) then make my way to the forest down the road and create a sort of pulley system to live up in the trees. I’ve also got a couple of mini books about foraging, bring those to know what’s edible and what isn’t. Make sure I have some pots, some fire starters, we’re good to go! The forest also surrounds an old stately home that’s basically empty, that would be a good place to lock myself in. It’s fully outfitted for Victorian living so no utilities needed. I think everyone local would be trying for the hospital or shopping centres or trying to escape the city, I’d be better off sticking around somewhere no one else would think to go. – thegrimread.r
I would build a secret fort and put a sign up that said “No Zombies Allowed”, and that should be enough to deter them because what kind of monster would look at a sign on a secret fort and disobey what’s written on it? – booksfromtheslimepit
You’ve heard everybody else’s ideas—now we want to hear yours. How are you surviving the zombie apocalypse?
Don’t forget to buy The Only Safe Place Left is the Dark—out now!
